I first wrote a version of this article two years ago, during a much simpler time. The central theme of that article was my observing the strong correlation between the onset of “spooky szn,” and the aggressive horniness afflicting young people on the internet (resulting in thinly-veiled pleas for sex on October 31 under the guise of the Halloween costume). I remember reading tweet after angsty tweet of Gen Z kids begging for someone to gift them spooky baskets (??), jaunt through pumpkin patches with them, and ride them in reverse while watching House of 1000 Corpses. And I can…

Allow me to set a scene for you: It’s the top half of 2020. The day is simply “today,” because no other unit of measurement really matters. You have just spent your nth consecutive hour watching Tiger King, pretending to work, or trying your hand at a new and ultimately useless hobby, like baking. Despite an ongoing charade of tranquility and self care, your anxiety is so severe that any minor disturbance threatens to result in tears, or the belief that you have COVID-19 (which tbh, you really might). Your personal hygiene/grooming routine has taken a massive hit, and your…

Oh my God, I’m so tired. I haven’t slept well in weeks, I seem to be perpetually on the brink of a panic attack, and I’ve reached a level of existential dread I had not previously thought was possible. But hey… I’M CAUGHT UP ON GAME OF THRONES!!! I know, I know; I did this to myself, by not watching the first seven seasons as they came out. Kindly bite me. What matters now is that we are all here, and the final season is just around the corner. In celebration, I’ve compiled a few of my takeaways so far…

I, Bailey Bowers, am in a creative rut. I’ve just been… off lately; trapped in one of those states where it’s hard to care about anything, and pretending that I do requires considerable effort. Basically, I’m feeling a bit dead inside (but in, like, a cute way?), and I know that it stems from an overall lack of inspiration. It’s a strange and paralytic state, to be uninspired. My relationship with Inspiration is not unlike many of the romantic relationships I’ve had in the past — that is to say, the distribution of power is rarely balanced. …

Seasons Greetings, internet family! How are we all faring in this final stretch of 2018? Vitals good? I suspect that by now most of us have been completely imbibed by the holiday spirit, otherwise known as reckless consumerism, and therefore might be refreshed to see an anti gift guide, of sorts, come across our screens. Funny you should ask — I actually have one right here, nestled snugly amidst the 50 tabs that I’ve opened to purchase similarly price-gouged items at a speed which threatens to give me whiplash. Ah, don’t you just love this time of year? I actually…

Well it’s Monday folks, and you know what that means: ̶I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶g̶e̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶b̶r̶e̶a̶d̶. It’s time to avoid lamenting the poor decisions that we made, with absolute vigor Friday-Sunday, using some quality memes and fake internet holidays!! True to this theme, let’s talk about your MCM (short for Man Crush Monday), which is basically the internet’s way of saying “the dude you’ve been stalking on Instagram and affectionately flaming with your friends in your group text.” In today’s complicated, often frustrating landscape full of Dating Apps, “U up?” bear traps and “send nudes” landmines, it’s important to proceed…

Welcome back to my sporadic complaint forum; the outlet which allows me to air my misanthropic proclivities so that I can remain a socially-functional human being in real life. Ahhh. Feel that? That’s the sweet kiss of honesty. You are safe here (at least until I accidentally shit on an essential cornerstone of your belief system and/or personality, which is highly possible — apologies in advance). Now that we’ve all hopefully survived Spooky Season with minimum emotional attachments and accompanying STDs, it’s time to move onto the next commercial holiday with quandaries to be aware of: Thanksgiving.

At a certain…

Today, I began my morning the same way that I do most Autumn mornings: By brushing my teeth, taking a shower, and then promptly ripping two lines of pumpkin spice off my coffee table. It’s that time of year again: The sweet spot when it’s not miserably hot outside anymore, but seasonal depression hasn’t quite set in yet. When all the sports that matter are in season simultaneously — supplying us with fun events to center our weekends around, and plenty of water cooler talk to sustain our surface level encounters throughout the week. …

Do you ever take a good look at your life and wonder, “Who am I, and how did I wind up here?” Yeah, *cough* me neither… but after spending the last few weeks binge-watching the first two seasons of Riverdale, I’m probably as close as I’ve ever been. I think I’m going through puberty again. It turns out that my timing was very good, because Season 3 premiered this week, a fact I was unaware of when I embarked on this journey. …

Bailey Bowers

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