Five Dumb Halloween Costumes We Should All Expect to See This Year: 2020 Edition

I first wrote a version of this article two years ago, during a much simpler time. The central theme of that article was my observing the strong correlation between the onset of “spooky szn,” and the aggressive horniness afflicting young people on the internet (resulting in thinly-veiled pleas for sex on October 31 under the guise of the Halloween costume). I remember reading tweet after angsty tweet of Gen Z kids begging for someone to gift them spooky baskets (??), jaunt through pumpkin patches with them, and ride them in reverse while watching House of 1000 Corpses. And I can recall sitting there, mouth agape, while what little hope I had left for humanity drained from my soul. Fast forward two years, and let me tell you something: I would give ANYTHING to go back to that level of existential dread. My naïve child mind knew not what scorn the universe would bring forth a mere two years later. There isn’t enough pumpkin spice in the world to mask the horror that has been 2020. And to boot, the pandemic-induced isolation has left people hornier and lonelier than ever.

I’ve read the word “cuddle” so many times that it has now lost all of its meaning to me. If you are guilty of posting this sort of content, this is your annual reminder to get a grip, lest you wind up another screenshot on someone’s shitty blog. If Halloween is anything like the rest of this year, I wouldn’t be surprised if the ground just opened up on October 31st and swallowed us all whole. Part of me says enough playing around, let’s do it already. I would rather get the apocalypse on my calendar and leap straight into hell with my sword drawn, than wonder when I wake up each morning whether today is the day we all bite it. As such, it would make sense if you didn’t want to dress up this year. I mean, I get it. Most of us are still confined to our living rooms, or if we do venture out for a small gathering, we have likely forgotten how to interact with other humans. But celebrating holidays is good for morale, so I think many of us will probably jump at the opportunity to do so. Which is why I’m here, to remind you that if you think your costume is creative, it probably isn’t. Most of us have spent the year getting fat, crying about getting fat, crying about politics, crying about Kobe Bryant, crying (generic), and watching TV. Which means that we are all likely fishing in the same small pond of pop culture references or things that have given us fleeting bursts of serotonin over the last 10 months. Here are some qualifiers I’m anticipating:

Tiger King

It feels like it was 3 years ago when we were all collectively watching Joe Exotic’s descent into madness. We were so young then, so full of hope that our freedom was right around the corner. Which is why I almost don’t blame anyone for wanting to go back to that place mentally, by dressing up as Carole Baskin, her leashed simp of a husband, Doc Antle, one of his wives, or Joe himself. Just know that I am anticipating this to be the number one most worn costume category of 2020. I understand it, because Tiger King blew everyone’s mind. I saw a lady lose her arm to a tiger then return to work the next day and thought “holy shit, I am in a region of Netflix that I’ve never been before, and one I’m not sure I care to visit again.” But in that moment it was just pure, unfiltered entertainment. If you must do this, maybe just try to get a little creative about it. Examples: Joe Exotic’s campaign manager (aka the film’s hero), the grubby strip club guy, Joe’s husband, a role reversal wherein the girl dresses as Doc and the boy dresses as one of his wives dressed as a tiger, etc.

Trump/Biden

As if this year couldn’t be shitty enough, Halloween has fallen in the midst of an election cycle. And as you may have noticed, 2020’s crop of politicians are some of the worst we have ever seen. Be that as it may, please don’t remind us of our inevitable doom by showing up to our first fun event in months, dressed as one of these clowns. We haven’t cleared any hurdles yet, we are actively in the shit right now. Which is why I don’t want to see Donald Trump or Joe Biden at the function, I just don’t. This category, for me at least, applies to any political figure from this year. No Kamala. No Pence and his fly (this is going to be a big one, I can feel it). Please, just allow us some reprieve from the incessant, agonizing anxiety of our current political state. I beg of you.

Suicide Squad Harley Quinn

Does this costume have anything to do with this year specifically? Nope. Will that matter? It sure won’t. Ever since this terrible movie came out, without fail, the streets have been rampant with Daddy’s Little Monsters each October. I will take this opportunity to admit that I myself wore this costume in 2015 after the release of the trailer/before the demise of the film. It’s a good costume, and Margot Robbie gives new meaning to the phrase “insanely hot.” But at some point we need to let. it. die. Otherwise, this is going to become the future version of the “Risky Business” costume that so many girls wear each year, while understanding less and less about their costume’s origins. Decades will pass, and we will still see hot psycho clowns running about with “PUDDIN’” chokers and baseball bats. Enough.

The WAP Music Video

I hope I’m wrong about this one, I really do. But something tells me that we will be in no short supply of girls anxious to look hot while referencing what was, admittedly, the music video of the year. Here’s my perspective: Unless you have access to Meg, Cardi, or Kylie’s costume designer, this is not going to turn out as you want it to. You will likely either play it too safe and wind up just wearing a regular cheetah dress, or you will get a little too ambitious and realize that you don’t know how to create chain link hair or a zebra print wig. Also, without the whim of the Alice-in-Wonderland-meets-Willy-Wonka backdrop from the video playing on your costume, it will probably be very difficult for any of us to pinpoint what you are. If you can pull this off well, I will eat my words and crown you the baddest bitch of Halloween 2020. All I’m saying is I have my doubts.

TikTok Star

Congratulations, you spent your isolation period posting silly dances to an app that our president is actively trying to ban. It happens to the best of us. But I swear to god, if I see you bitches dressed like the D’Amelios, Sway House, doggface420 (the ocean spray longboarder who singlehandedly led to Gen Z’s discovery of Fleetwood Mac), or any other tiktoker, I am going to throw a toaster into my bathtub. I don’t even really know why… I guess more than anything because I really, really hope that this isn’t what our culture is coming to (but at the same time sort of already know that it is). What’s more, I HAVE a tiktok, and I don’t understand any of the above references/wouldn’t be able to point them out at a costume party. This is like dressing as an “influencer,” aka a regular ass person, and expecting anyone to know who you’re supposed to be. A bit presumptuous, in my opinion. But if you’re fine with constantly answering the “what are you?” question, and then watching nobody understand your response, by all means have at it.

Any costumes I’m forgetting?? Let me know. Happy Halloween!

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If you liked this article, follow me on Twitter @baythehuman for more unfounded advice and opinions.

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