Five Dumb Halloween Costumes That We Should All Expect to See This Year
Today, I began my morning the same way that I do most Autumn mornings: By brushing my teeth, taking a shower, and then promptly ripping two lines of pumpkin spice off my coffee table. It’s that time of year again: The sweet spot when it’s not miserably hot outside anymore, but seasonal depression hasn’t quite set in yet. When all the sports that matter are in season simultaneously — supplying us with fun events to center our weekends around, and plenty of water cooler talk to sustain our surface level encounters throughout the week. But unfortunately, the commencement of Fall doesn’t just bring about positive changes… It also marks the start of a disturbing time in all of our lives; when “spooky” becomes the preferred adjective for describing practically everything, and the general population grows particularly audacious with how publicly horny they allow themselves to be:
I don’t know who started this trend of being so unashamedly lonely and desperate on the internet, nor what a “spooky basket” or a “spooky cuddle” or a “spooky dick” is, but Jesus Christ people, get a grip. Also, it sounds like you’re trying to cram quite a lot of activities into a very limited window of time. Ask yourself, are these relationships you’re craving going to transition smoothly into the (much more wholesome) Santa Season? I think not, since most of them are founded on the basis of who else wants to finger bang while watching Friday the 13th. Still, something about the overall air surrounding Halloween/Fall makes people more fervent with impaired judgement…Which brings me to my next subject, and the true reason for this post: The Halloween Costume. For eons, men and women alike have participated in the tradition of dressing up on the final day of October, putting levels of effort and creativity previously unimaginable for most of us, into disguising ourselves as something that someone else might want to have sex with — just as our forefathers did. But the problem is that there is no ceiling or minimum criteria for this holiday, which leaves room for absurd new lows of unoriginality and lameness, as well as soaring new heights of tone-deaf inappropriateness. To that end, here are 5 qualifiers that I anticipate we’ll see this year:
“Risky Business”
I have a ~SpOoKy~ story for you: Every year on October 31st, thousands of females nationwide haphazardly throw on a button down shirt, a pair of high socks, and some dark sunglasses, then have the nerve to invade a costume party near you. Upon asking what they’re supposed to be, most of them will drunkenly shout “Riiisky Busssinesss!,” not even “Tom Cruise from Risky Business” or “Joel Goodsen,” as though the movie Risky Business is a costume itself. If someone would actually print the Risky Business cover art on a poster board and dress up as a giant VHS tape, THAT would be impressive. But the next time I see this version of the costume (a few days from now), I’m going to innocuously say “Oh yeahhhh, what’s that movie about again?” and see if even one person can describe the plot to me. Odds are that they won’t be able to, since it came out in 1983, and most of these perpetrators will have giant ‘X’s on their hands. Part of me wonders if this costume will ever die, or if it will just continue to be passed from generation to generation like folklore — until one day in 2178, my great-great-granddaughter is wearing this shit at a Halloween party on her home planet of Mars, and some wiseacre starts asking follow up questions. She’ll ultimately be forced to respond with, “Um, I think it was this guy from this movie like 200 years ago whose parents were out of town…?” And will then feel very embarrassed by how lame that sounds, especially for a concept that’s withstood the natural selection of pop culture references for multiple centuries. Meanwhile my soul, which has been trapped in my decomposed body on the radioactive planet of Earth for 100 years, will finally ascend into space, at peace.
Laurel/Yanny
This one is actually a costume of my own invention at this point, since we’ve yet to celebrate a Halloween since the Laurel vs. Yanny fiasco of earlier this year. I’m just remembering the white & gold vs. blue & black dress thing from a few years ago, and the pairs of friends who thought they were being so clever by making it a duet Halloween costume. It is for this reason that I would not be remotely surprised to see groups of twos, one with “Laurel” and one with “Yanny,” respectively, printed on their tops. For guys, this costume is as easy as writing the names with permanent marker on white t-shirts, which is definitely a guy thing to do. Girls I expect to get a bit cuter with it, perhaps writing the words on colorful cardstock in a stylized script, but still baring maximum cleavage, and keeping their faces and hair fully intact. Maybe they’re even wearing boxing gloves, like they’re duking it out for who’s right. Actually, the more I elaborate on it, the more this sounds like a perfectly decent idea that is both more current and more clever than “Risky Business.” So ladies, if you’re reading this and haven’t decided what to be yet, you’re welcome for the freebie. Tag me in a photo.
The Demogorgon
For some unholy reason, this fucking thing is on the first page of nearly every online costume store right now. I have no idea why, because there hasn’t even been a season of Stranger Things this year, and I swear nobody did this last year. But a fair warning, if you sneak up on drunk-me dressed as The Demogorgon, my fight or flight instincts are going to kick in, and I am liable to stick you. I also don’t want to see you fisting your mouth hole all night in attempt to drink your beer, and I can’t imagine anyone who does. While we’re on the subject of Stranger Things costumes that you should not wear, let’s also stop dressing up as Joyce Byers’ goddamn alphabet wall. As an actual wall decoration at your Halloween party? Sure. But if you paint letters on your white t-shirt and string colored lights around your neck, you’re really teeing yourself up to receive “it’s like talking to a wall” comments all night long, which is insulting to walls. If you want to be someone from Stranger Things, be the show’s main protagonist, Samwise Gamgee, who sacrificed himself virtuously to the Demogorgon, just like the time he carried Frodo up that mountain.
Drunk Judge
Oh man, this is hilarious. Well done, Brad. It’s hard not to jump your bones right here on the dance floor as I watch you stumble around, dressed as a suspected sexual assailant. Ooohwee. Seriously though, whether you believe Kavanaugh is guilty or not, this is a dumb costume. It’s not clever, women aren’t going to appreciate it, and it’s incredibly low-hanging fruit given the timing. You can do better. Or maybe you can’t, I don’t know you. As a matter of fact, if you are someone who thinks this is a good idea, maybe you should just do it, so that myself and other women will have a head start in knowing who to avoid. And thank you, in advance, for saving us time and painstaking small talk about where we went to school, and how high our xanax tolerance is.
Generic Celebrity/Influencer
Perhaps it’s my overall lack of celebrity awareness, but I have no idea who this is supposed to be. I think it’s either Kim Kardashian, Karrueche Tran, Paris Hilton, or one of the 500 random Instagram girls who helped promote the Yeezy Season 6 release. Point being, dressing up as a regular ass person in regular ass clothes is not a costume. Like, unless your face looks exactly like Kylie Jenner’s, don’t wear “that one pink dress she wore that one time to that one party” and expect any notable percentage of the population to know what you are. I’m just riffing again, but if I were going to be Kylie Jenner, I would probably strap a baby doll wearing an Astroworld onesie to my chest, severely overdraw my lips, and carry around my issue of Forbes. And while I’m being so helpful, here are some other costume ideas just off the top of my head, that are all exponentially better than these 5 that I’ve mentioned:
- A VHS/DVD sleeve of Risky Business
- A moth/lamp
- Kid Rock dressed as Dr. Phil dressed as Kid Rock
- Mason Ramsey
- A spooky basket
- A spooky cuddle
- A spooky dick
- Bill Cosby in a prison uniform with a chicken patty stuck to his face
So, yeah, you’re very welcome. I’m not one to complain without at least offering solutions. Happy Halloween!
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