Your Preferred Vice Based on Your Zodiac Sign

Allow me to set a scene for you: It’s the top half of 2020. The day is simply “today,” because no other unit of measurement really matters. You have just spent your nth consecutive hour watching Tiger King, pretending to work, or trying your hand at a new and ultimately useless hobby, like baking. Despite an ongoing charade of tranquility and self care, your anxiety is so severe that any minor disturbance threatens to result in tears, or the belief that you have COVID-19 (which tbh, you really might). Your personal hygiene/grooming routine has taken a massive hit, and your wifi is not nearly fast enough for the monsoon of media that you are attempting to consume, from five separate devices, at any given moment. This is an — ahem — purely hypothetical reality, and it is harsh. Fortunately though, we don’t ever have to confront any of these issues head on, because we have access to enough emotional distractions, prescribed and illicit substances to crutch ourselves comfortably upon until the end of time (which is near).

Now then. There is only one thing we know for certain at this point, and it is that Astrology is infinitely more valuable than any other science as a means of understanding human behavior. If a planet is in the wrong position, for example, once-ordinary things like leaving your home or having a conversation can catapult you into emotional shambles and intense conflicts with other humans. Psychologists have been toiling away for years on arbitrary diagnoses and hypotheses, all proven to be a huge waste of time, when what they should’ve been doing was hitting the ‘ole telescope and drawing up a trusty star chart. Enter me: the angel from your nightmares, a perfect mediator between logic and lunacy. Someone just mentally ill enough to understand every conceivable path of avoidance — Yes, I am here, you are welcome — And I am ready to baselessly presume how you might be spending your newfound free time, solely by which calendar day you first entered this hellish simulation. If you don’t agree with the vice I’ve assigned you, then perhaps you should consider that you haven’t been coping to your fullest potential. I also expect a fair amount of backlash from those claiming that their vice should be weed, due to how much weed they smoke. To those people I say: you and everybody else, it’s 2020. This is a broad personality-based designation, not a contest. Save the chief-offs for your dormitories, nerds.

art created by me, using the cutting-edge technology of Microsoft Word.

Aries (3/21–4/19): Porn

Taurus (4/20–5/20): Adderall

Gemini (5/21–6/20): Social Media

Cancer (6/21–7/22): Inspirational Quotes

Leo (7/23–8/22): Sex

Virgo (8/23–9/22): Wine

Libra (9/23–10/22): Xanax

Scorpio (10/23–11/21): Dating Apps

Sagittarius (11/22–12/21): Cocaine

Capricorn (12/22–1/19): Food

Aquarius (1/20–2/18): Weed

Pisces (2/19–3/20): Psychedelics

So if you were wondering how you should be occupying yourself during quarantine, I encourage you to spend some quality time with your designated vice from above, then report back and let me know how it goes (a joke, please do not start doing drugs at my behest. I’m bored, and MY vice at the moment is spewing my slapdash tenets all over the internet — such is the way of a celibate Leo).

If you liked this article, follow me on Twitter @baythehuman for more unfounded advice and opinions.

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