Allow me to set a scene for you: It’s the top half of 2020. The day is simply “today,” because no other unit of measurement really matters. You have just spent your nth consecutive hour watching Tiger King, pretending to work, or trying your hand at a new and ultimately useless hobby, like baking. Despite an ongoing charade of tranquility and self care, your anxiety is so severe that any minor disturbance threatens to result in tears, or the belief that you have COVID-19 (which tbh, you really might). Your personal hygiene/grooming routine has taken a massive hit, and your wifi is not nearly fast enough for the monsoon of media that you are attempting to consume, from five separate devices, at any given moment. This is an — ahem — purely hypothetical reality, and it is harsh. Fortunately though, we don’t ever have to confront any of these issues head on, because we have access to enough emotional distractions, prescribed and illicit substances to crutch ourselves comfortably upon until the end of time (which is near).
Now then. There is only one thing we know for certain at this point, and it is that Astrology is infinitely more valuable than any other science as a means of understanding human behavior. If a planet is in the wrong position, for example, once-ordinary things like leaving your home or having a conversation can catapult you into emotional shambles and intense conflicts with other humans. Psychologists have been toiling away for years on arbitrary diagnoses and hypotheses, all proven to be a huge waste of time, when what they should’ve been doing was hitting the ‘ole telescope and drawing up a trusty star chart. Enter me: the angel from your nightmares, a perfect mediator between logic and lunacy. Someone just mentally ill enough to understand every conceivable path of avoidance — Yes, I am here, you are welcome — And I am ready to baselessly presume how you might be spending your newfound free time, solely by which calendar day you first entered this hellish simulation. If you don’t agree with the vice I’ve assigned you, then perhaps you should consider that you haven’t been coping to your fullest potential. I also expect a fair amount of backlash from those claiming that their vice should be weed, due to how much weed they smoke. To those people I say: you and everybody else, it’s 2020. This is a broad personality-based designation, not a contest. Save the chief-offs for your dormitories, nerds.
Aries (3/21–4/19): Porn
I’m just going to dive right in here, we see you freaks lusting all over the internet. Many (not all) of the Aries I know follow a plethora of butt models on Instagram, and are also unabashedly addicted to pornography. It’s not that Aries can’t get laid in real life; they definitely can (for reference Rosie O’Donnell is an Aries, and you know she pulls ass), they’re just more inclined to carry these urges out in private. It’s like, an assertion of their independence or something. Take into account the fact that we can’t go outside right now, and I’m feeling more like an Aries myself with each passing day. Maybe their extracurricular studies have left Aries better equipped for this forced isolation? PS happy birthday, you perverts!
Taurus (4/20–5/20): Adderall
Taurus have impeccable focus and drive; just take a look at the alum: Shakespeare, Stevie Wonder, Dwyane “The Rock” Johnson… Tauruses are masters of their craft, and they work efficiently. Why? Because they all take Adderall, obviously (with the exception of Shakespeare, who was likely smoking Maidenhair Tree to achieve a similar effect). A prime example of a Taurus off their meds is Tekashi 6ix9ine — prone to a life of crime and ridiculous physical alterations; a leaf blowing in the wind without a sense of purpose.
Gemini (5/21–6/20): Social Media
Geminis need to feel adored, because they certainly adore themselves. And if a Gemini isn’t getting the attention and praise that they require, you can expect that they will take to their phones to find it. If you don’t believe me, let’s refer to some quintessential Gemini constituents: Kanye West and Donald Trump, both of whom love tweeting their stream of consciousness almost as much as they love parading each other around for attention.
Cancer (6/21–7/22): Inspirational Quotes
Just as surely as the sky is blue and Walmart is out of toilet paper, Cancers are emo. First to cry, first to “what are we?” the person they’ve been seeing, and definitely the first to post something like “everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end” to their Instagram story. Which, by the way, is a quote nearly as terrible as it is untrue. Seriously, while we’re banding together as a society to fight the pandemic, we need to band together to stop perpetuating that quote and others like it. We can start by checking in on our Cancer friends, so that they don’t feel the need to turn to such fallacies.
Leo (7/23–8/22): Sex
Fun fact: Many adult film stars are Leos! Say what you want, but when you’re good at something, why not a) get paid to do it, and b) post it on the internet? Sharing is caring, your Aries friends thank you. More than anything, though, Leos are go getters who make power moves: Barack Obama, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Amelia Earhart, JLO, Madonna… all Leos, and all dimes, professionally as well as physically (sup Barack?) My theory is that because they don’t have sexual tensions or frustrations cluttering up their cognitive function, Leos have unlocked new levels of productivity and ambition. OR, maybe they’re just exceptionally horny. Horny people can move mountains.
Virgo (8/23–9/22): Wine
Apologies in advance to my Virgo friends, but you bitches are gossipy and judgmental. I can actually feel the collective eye roll of every Virgo right now, because they know that I’m right. In fact, the only thing a Virgo loves more than wine, is tea… and they can always get you to spill it. I’m willing to bet that every E! News, TMZ correspondent, Bachelor reviewer, etc., is a Virgo, or should be. Dissimilarly, Amy Winehouse was a Virgo, and she literally died drinking wine. I’m certainly not suggesting anyone else do the same, but that is dedication to a vice. Ultimately though, we need our Virgos to bring a little spice and drama during these monotonous times.
Libra (9/23–10/22): Xanax
Libras are the people pleasers of the zodiac, and it should come as no surprise they’re so chill and likable, because they’re usually barred out! When you have an inherent need for everyone to like you, you are bound to get stressed, because that is an impossible task. I’ll add that most of my exes are Libras, so I know the type quite well. And let me tell you, I preferred their pill popping propensities to the alternative — which usually consisted of innovative past times like “texting other girls” and “getting stupid tattoos.”
Scorpio (10/23–11/21): Dating Apps
A frustratingly odd combination of conceited and insecure, Scorpios need their fragile egos fluffed regularly to avoid mental collapse. That’s why apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge, which ensure that literally anyone can get laid (or at least complimented), are the perfect vice for the Scorpio. The best example of a Scorpio in my mind is Drake, aka the Simp of the century who, despite his alarming emotional fragility, is also willing to beef with just about anyone. I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that Drake has, at some point, created a fake Tinder account to spit horny poetry at any selfie-wielding gal who would listen, and simultaneously disparage those who wouldn’t.
Sagittarius (11/22–12/21): Cocaine
Flighty and a bit all over the place, the Sagittarius tend to be controversial characters that you either love or hate. For example: Taylor Swift, Nicki Minaj, Chrissy Teigen, and Miley Cyrus are all Sags, and while very dislikable in their own ways, each still has a legion of fans large enough to overthrow the United States armed forces. Where does the cocaine come into play, you ask? My theory is that it has always been in play, with the result being either a blind and unwavering self-confidence, like Chrissy Teigen (who, btw, I love) or an aggressive and misguided need to feel appreciated, like Nicki Minaj (who, btw, I hate).
Capricorn (12/22–1/19): Food
Capricorns are often straight-laced workaholics who won’t usually turn to drugs in times of struggle. But they WILL stress eat like hell, and sometimes even just work harder (fuck you guys, seriously). Look at the glowing accomplishments of the Capricorn alum: Muhammed Ali, Lebron James, Isaac Newton, Tiger Woods, Michelle Obama… I mean, Christ, save a little achievement for the rest of us, huh Capricorn? Today, I put away the laundry that’s been in a heap on my floor for 2 weeks, and you don’t see me bragging about it. Nevertheless, all that stress and pressure they put on themselves would have me reaching for a cheeseburger too.
Aquarius (1/20–2/18): Weed
Aquarius are the wavy babies of the zodiac, in that they are usually super laid-back (or at least pretend to be). You might think that’s because they are air signs who are naturally calm, but I’m here to tell you that it is actually because they are quite stoned. Charles Darwin was an Aquarius, and he was obviously high as shit the entire time he was on the Galapagos Islands, developing the theory of evolution. Additionally, both Ashton Kutcher and Wilmer Valderrama are Aquarius, which makes me think Kelso and Fez might have been toking for real on That 70s Show. Overall, Aquarius tend to be chill, creative people who aren’t often found at the center of Hollywood’s controversies.
Pisces (2/19–3/20): Psychedelics
Deeply introspective and often withdrawn, Pisces find sporadic trips to Magic Mountain to be extremely therapeutic. Albert Einstein was a Pisces, for example, and you simply do not arrive at the theory of relativity unless you’re tripping absolute dick. I’d love to see what that guy could come up with with access to 21st century drugs; maybe I’d be in space right now instead of spending my eighth straight day on the couch. Maybe if I had some psychedelics, I could visit space from my couch. Who knows. On an unrelated note, does anyone have any psychedelics? One of my Pisces friends was asking…
So if you were wondering how you should be occupying yourself during quarantine, I encourage you to spend some quality time with your designated vice from above, then report back and let me know how it goes (a joke, please do not start doing drugs at my behest. I’m bored, and MY vice at the moment is spewing my slapdash tenets all over the internet — such is the way of a celibate Leo).
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